Well, I’ve seen it all. I mean the long arms of the nanny state. Yes,
they’re always thinking of me – my health, my safety. Could expenses
connected with monitoring (monitoring, not governing) my life have
driven the Feds into unimaginable depths of debt and many states into
the lobby of bankruptcy court?
I know that angelic, big-hearted comedian who governs New York is
worried about fat and sugar consumption (strange, neither word is in
the state constitution) but I thought down here in Dixie I was safe
(and free) from such intrusive vaudeville masquerading as “Government”.
But I discovered the only hiding place from over-government was
Antarctica. Just yesterday I was trudging up the trail to a picnic in
one of our many parks when I’m faced with a glaring sign. It’s
pretty. Green and white, sorta blends in with the leafy atmosphere.
The sign is fine – the message is frightful. It tells me to clean up
after my dog because it’s a threat to the health of our children. And
below it cites the law: fine, jail, execution? Who knows? And why
health? And pardon my crudity, instead of a dog, I’m with my cousin
Harry – does it apply to his upset stomach? I understand the need to
keep the park clean, but must you threaten me? It’s “required by law”
the sign announced in bold letters. And “it’s a threat to the health
of our children”. A threat to our children? (TV and smart phone
games are a greater threat.) Will they be tempted into dog poop
fights – will they make dog poop sandwiches with lettuce and tomato?
In all my reading of our nation’s history I’ve never seen the bone-
chilling statement that a single kid died from dog poop. Not one
since 1776 – even if they added sugar and chocolate sauce converting
it into an hors d’oeuvre.
Is the mayor tender-hearted or is he trying to impress voters – like
the clown in New York City – that nothing exceeds his concern over a
ravishing dog poop epidemic. And why does he think he must threaten
me with execution to appeal to my sense of cleanliness? What a dim
view he takes of his citizenry. It’s born of the same sign philosophy
that states: “Fines doubled when workers present”. What an insult to
the driver. “Oh boy – now I’m outa that double fine zone – I can bowl
over a couple workers at half price. Woulda cost me twice the price
two miles back.”
We all understand that piles of poop interfere with the beauty of the
park. Sure it’s unsightly, but a threat to health? About the same
level as lightening death at the same park! But I wonder who cleans
up the deer, wolf, elk, bear, chipmunk, and squirrel excrement in
national parks. (Good thing that elephants don’t thrive therein.)
I’m sure somewhere in the alphabet soup of federal agencies there’s a
Department of Poop. I’m sure they have signs warning of careless, low-
flying birds that could make a mess of your hat or hair.
The humor of Ted, the Scribbler on the Roof, appears in newspapers around the U.S., on National Public Radio in Huntsville, Alabama and numerous web sites.